I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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