I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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