Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just saw a hot homeless man
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
