You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
