Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
