I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
