Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize