My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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