I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
