So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
