It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
