I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize