so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
