he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
