she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
