oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
