I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
