I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
