my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
