we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
