You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize