it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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