I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
