He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
