i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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