he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
