I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
