I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
