I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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