Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So many bounce houses so little time
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
