i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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