This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
