literally had 100 drinks last night.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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