happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
