i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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