My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
