Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
