I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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