I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
