Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm sobbing to NWA
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize