like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
