I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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