The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
