you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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