Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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