I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
