guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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