Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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