so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
