You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
They took my balls.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize