I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
