Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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