I am spending my child support on dildos
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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