I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
