Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
