He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
