lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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