Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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