I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
