Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
