I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
