im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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