I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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