i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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