Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
