I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
